How To People?

 Sometimes I get really mad at my her... When I hit a wall in social cues or requirements. And I realize that the reason I can’t get past the wall is because I was trained to wholeheartedly cater to another persons paradigm and undo and lay aside all identity or personality. I was a robot, commanded and punished when I varied from the path or asked questions. I’m so tired of asking myself what a normal person would do. I’m tired of the hurt I carry around. Tired of the years of torment she put me through. I’m tired of hearing “you wouldn’t be the person you are today if you hadn’t gone through that.”

Failing words from failing people. I don’t want to be broken, I want to be whole. And I will always be a little broken because no matter how many times I tried to put myself back together again, me and my happiness never really mattered. I bounced back a little at first. But after years of pain, the only thing that kept me going was my determination to stay alive and watch to make sure my precious person that regularly spit in my face could survive. 

I’m so frustrated- I agonize over the most basic decisions, not sure which direction to go because I’ve felt verbal lashes for straying from someone else’s decisions so many times that sometimes it’s more painless to just not make a choice at all. I don’t know how to “people” and it hurts so much. I have trained myself to be okay in the most basic situations- but complexities such as conflict or empathy throw me off. How do I resolve conflict without making a huge scene and then receiving an apology or apologizing myself? This forced dynamic haunts me. How do I resolve something and feel justified when all I have ever received is a lack of validation and mockery? If someone doesn’t do exactly as I want are they truly sorry? Or am I being lied to again? Why is everything a broken record? I am tired of hearing it over and over and fighting my own battles hurts my heart but if I don’t fight for myself will I not get hurt again? Who will fight for me? Who can be trusted? Love has always been pain. Is love really no longer going to hurt me or is that another lie?

My own desperate grab and need for attention is mixed with self loathing and self doubt. How can I succeed or move forward as a productive human when I have starved for positive attention for years?